Mother's Day...It's complicated.

In general, I am not a fan of obligatory sentimental holidays, and Mother’s Day is certainly on that list. Mother’s Day. It’s a lovely idea, but it can be a minefield of convoluted emotions for some of us. For a lot of people, this holiday is wrought with complex and conflicting feelings.

If you happened to be blessed with that “perfect mom,” congratulations on winning an emotional lottery! Buy her some flowers, give her a hug, and take a moment to express your gratitude. My experience as a therapist though, has convinced me that for the vast majority of people, their relationship with their mother is not that simple. This view of mine has been honed through the unique intersection of being a mother myself, having my own mother, working with mothers, and helping adults unpack their mother/child relationships. In short, motherhood is complicated.

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Some of us have exceptionally crappy mother experiences. Perhaps yours was a drug addict, or had mental health issues. Maybe your mom was disengaged, or criticizing, or self-absorbed. There are moms out there that are undeniably abusive. Perhaps your mom died, or worse, left. What about wicked step-moms? Like I said, Mother’s Day can have a lot of tangled emotions around it. If this resembles your story, I encourage you to drop the pressure to perform the Mother’s Day rituals. Grant yourself some distance from this holiday. Don’t observe it. Or observe it only in the way that feels appropriate to you. I want to provide you with the notion that celebrating this holiday is entirely optional. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are allowed to work this out privately, on your own time, and in your own way.

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What about the rest of you? If you had an “okay” mom, not a terrible mother, or a perfect one, but just and average one, please consider this:

Being a “good” mother is almost f-ing impossible. The “job” requirements include competence in all forms of domestic responsibilities, organization skills, and leadership skills. It requires the ability to be a teacher, to provide moral guidance, and oversee the emotional needs of all members of the system. One must be able to provide basic health care and, at times, emergency medical treatment. The job demands an aptitude for financial management including budgeting, short and long-term planning, and emergency funding. It requires exceptional social skills and community involvement. Being a good mother also requires a depth of self-knowledge, insight, and a tremendous amount of self-control. (Ever try to reason with a two-year-old in the midst of a tantrum?) The job is literally 24-7, there is no PTO or sick-leave. It even entails working overtime on all holidays! Oh, and the pay sucks. That’s right, moms work for free! And, on top of this, most mothers also hold down full-time jobs outside of the home.

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In addition to all of the job requirements of motherhood, is the insidious fact that absolute perfection is demanded of our mothers. Mothers invariable apologize for their houses being messy, the laundry piling up, running out of bread, and wearing their sweatpants while dropping the kiddos off at the bus stop at 7:15 in the morning. Why are they apologizing? Why? Because they are continuously told that they are not doing it right, that they are messing this up, that they are not doing their job properly. “MOM! Why isn’t my favorite shirt clean?”

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As moms, our failings are also magnified, and broadcast. Moms are openly condemned for not keeping everything in order, being late for the pediatrician appointment, having messy hair, and not losing that pregnancy weight. God forbid a mom wants to drink a glass of wine. She’s a lush, a bad example of motherhood. And, our children seem to only remember our worst moments; kids usually miss how mothers show up endlessly, day in and day out, mostly with a good attitude, and trying their best. I know that as a mother, my child likes to periodically remind me of the 1 time that I lost my shit, and broke something out of frustration. She has no recollection of the fact that she had been having a 4-hour tantrum, because she was on steroids while she had been undergoing treatment for cancer. Years later, she still doesn’t understand that I was literally falling apart under the stress of her ongoing illness; all she understands is that I broke her toy. That 1 time.

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This makes me reflect upon my own mother. If you asked her, she would say that she wasn’t a good mom. In all honesty, she wasn’t a terrible mom. She just wasn’t really prepared for motherhood. She lacked many of the skills needed for the job requirements, and she had some personal problems that impacted her ability to consistently mother well. But damn, she tried. She tried really, really hard. Doesn’t that count for something?

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A large part of the problem as I see it is that there is no allowance for mothers to be humans. Once a female becomes a mother she is instantly held to an impossible standard. A standard that demands wholehearted self-sacrifice and perfection. A standard that does not allow for human failings, or personal challenges. As a mother, there isn’t even any grace period allotted for personal growth and learning. A mom is expected to just know how to do it. And do it right. And never, ever, mess any of it up. Forever.

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Sadly, to this day, all that my own mom sees is her failings as a mother. That just breaks my heart. For her, and for all of the other mother’s out there who feel the same about themselves. Mother-guilt is real, and it is so unfair…moms feel crushed by this guilt simply for not being perfect. If you are reading this, Mom, I want to say; “Thank you. Thank you for trying so damn hard to do the absolute impossible job.”

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I wish we could approach motherhood differently. I wish we could have more empathy for moms, provide them with vast support systems. It would be nice if we collectively supported their emotional and mental health, encouraged their individual growth. It certainly would be better if we didn’t hold them to the perfection-at-all-times standard. Call me crazy, but maybe we could even give them a paid vacation. Guilt free.

On this Mother’s Day I want to plant some seeds for thought:

·      If you are a mother, try to give yourself some grace. You are doing an impossible job.

·      If you have a mother, try to give her some grace. She has tried to do the impossible job.

·      If you had a terrible mother, try to give her some grace. She couldn’t manage to do the impossible job.

·      If you want to be a mother, prepare yourself; you will be taking on an impossible job.

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Thanks for reading…It’s Mother’s Day, a holiday, so I’m going to go back to my impossible job that I love.

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